In the dusty, cobweb filled annals of the eLFonian History Archives (eHA) there is a brief, one line entry that can be easily overlooked given the way it has been recorded in “The Beginnings – A History of eLFonia”. The entry records the discovery of one particularly brave eLFonian who paved the way for partial equality, sprinkled with a modicum of liberty, for eLFonian males.

This valiant eLFonian, while still a student at the eLFonian Central University (eCU), developed a mathematical formula explaining a perplexing issue that has stumped male eLFonians everywhere since the very beginning of eLFonian time. His discovery led to eLFonian males being able to shed their previously held beliefs as to why they were held in such lowly regard by their female counterparts.

Under the eLFonian Freedom of Information Act, The eLFonian was able gain access to the Archives to review this record. The mathematical formula developed by that noble eLFonian student of long ago is now replicated and shown below in full detail. The formula has also been immortalised in the eLFonian Artwork Centre (eAC) where you can see it in the Mystical Math section. His discovery reveals why eLFettes (eLFonian females also known as women) need to be approached with care.

To find a woman you need Time and Money. Therefore, we can write equation 1,

Woman = Time x Money

It is a well-known fact that, Time is Money. So, we can write equation 2,

Time = Money

Therefore, substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we arrive at equation 3,

Woman = Money x Money

Woman = Money²

It is also a well-known fact, that Money is the root of all evil. So,

Money = √Evil

Therefore, substituting this back into equation 3, we have,

Woman = (√Evil)²

i.e.

Woman = Evil

When word of this revelation started to spread, the heroic student was eventually run out of eLFonia by a mob of angry eLFettes. He was never seen or heard of again in eLFonia. This action by the angry mob only served to prove the underlying principle of his discovery.

Tales of this incident have become legendary and have been handed down ever since from father to son in eLFonia. This legend was the reason behind a recent outburst by one eLFonian male when he was injected into an all-eLFette team (to be reported in the next Thursday Thought). His response is particularly noteworthy and an example to all males who value life.

So there you have it. Math used to prove one of the great mysteries of eLFonia.

May this revelation help males everywhere understand a basic principle of life – be good to your mother, your wife, your girlfriend indeed women anywhere. You might be run out of town otherwise.

Footnote: The eLFonian was able to track down that noble student of long ago. Following the breadcrumbs, The eLFonian was able to determine that the student changed his name to Albert {CENSORED} and was living in a run down, one room apartment in {CENSORED}. Albert took up permanent residence in {CENSORED}, a suburb of {CENSORED} where he worked for the rest of his life in the same diner as eLFis, a well-known eLFonian entertainer who disappeared from the public eye many years ago. While sightings of eLFis have continued even unto this day, no such claims have ever been made regarding Albert except for a brief period in 1905 when he was mistakenly confused with another Albert over a mathematical formula on mass–energy equivalence.

Acknowledgement: This post was prompted by Jithin of PhoTrablogger who, after visiting the Mystical Math section of the eLFonian Artwork Centre, asked The eLFonian, “So you going to show how an equation can draw some beautiful figures by substituting various values, step by step?” (Trablog, eLFettes are always beautiful figures. eLFy)

Attribution: Image by Stephen Silver (Open Clip Art Library) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons.